Where are you in relation to God or the Higher Power of your understanding? If you are lower than him, it may not be questionable as to why you cannot connect with him or feel his presence.
Only with more than half a decade of recovery in two twelve-step programs and a return to my faith a year and a half ago, was I able to sufficiently dismantle my progressively erected barrier, created by abuse, trauma, suppression, dysfunction, and alcoholic (chemical) toxins during my upbringing, so that I could re-accept and -absorb him. At first, I was only able to open a peephole through which I could look and he could enter, but that has continued to enlarge.
Because you subconsciously consider your parents or primary caregivers perfect, God-like and -representative people whom you neither doubt nor question, it is virtually impossible, at the height of the disease of dysfunction, to conceptualize that the real God is accepting, understanding, merciful, forgiving, and loving, when your earthly parents have punished, judged, condemned, and abused.
You were created in God’s image, but these destructive and detrimental treatments uncreated you, converting and tearing apart your soul until you no longer share that image. How, therefore, can you identify and connect with a Higher Power whom you feel is now the opposite of you?
In fact, he soon bears the image, as viewed through your distorted eyes, of your biological parents, as opposed to the other way around.
How, furthermore, can you trust your eternal parent when he seemed to have turned his back on you during your greatest time of need?
Your plight, created in no small degree by betrayal and abandonment, taught you to seek spiritual refuge within-in the cocooned inner child-and then become self-sufficient, disconnected, and isolated from others, whom you could not entirely trust or rely upon to be there for you when you needed them. Your experience already painfully demonstrated this fact.
As the name implies, a “Higher Power” is higher than or above you, yet the disease of dysfunction unraveled your soul, causing you to disconnect and descend from him, sometimes sinking to an all-time, rock-bottom low. How, then, can you possibly reach him if you cannot even feel him?
However, it is from him that you, as a soul-a life force-came. There are two worlds-the physical and spiritual ones-and it is to the latter that your soul, physically and bodily uncontained, belong, but abuse and alcoholic upbringings ate way at it until you can only identify with what is left-the physical one. It is the ultimate separation from “home.”
My gradual reclimb of the twelve steps has enabled me to re-sow the fray and re-glimpse his presence. I am not, I have begun to realize, just hanging out there alone, like an unanchored boat floating in the middle of a lake.
There is more of me above, although I cannot necessarily see it with my physical eyes, and I have come to understand (perhaps “re-understand” is the more accurate term) that God is that part, origin, and source.
Any sink to the bottom of a person’s pit usually prompts him to seek what he can no longer find within himself-within his drained, dissolved, and dried out soul-the rest of him above, prompting him to surrender and allow God to restore and replenish him-a second, dip, if you will, into the well.
He is present. He just is. I could not find him when I was not. He has been equated to oxygen: you cannot see it, but you cannot live without it.
Gradual recovery repairs the severed ties and enables you to progressively retrust yourself, others, and the Higher Power of your understanding, which, in retrospect, you realize are one in the same.
In short, God is beingness and love, but when you are converted by dysfunction, disbelief, and sin, you lose yours and hence no longer feel the commonality of creation.